Daddy's Rules for Dating
by crazychick1313
Summary: These are the rules Spirit has for ANY guy that dares to so much as look at his little Maka. Boys beware!
1. Rules 1 and 2

**I DON'T OWN SOUL EATER OR THE JOKE DADDY'S RULES FOR DATING**

_****Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a carton of beer, because you're sure not picking anything up.****_

**(Spirit's pov)**

I was busy reading this wonderful book on how to bond with your daughter, when I heard a loud annoying honk outside. I tryed to go back to reading, but then that same damn sound came a few more times. What the hell? I placed my book down, got up from my chair, and looked out the widow. What I saw out there was the most horrible, lazy ass, octopus head on the face of the earth!

"_Soul eater" _I granted.

What the hell is he doing here? Shouldn't he be robbing a bank or something?

"Come on Maka!" he yelled from his death trap or as he calls it, his motorcycle.

THE BASTER IS AFTER MY MAKA! Thank god my little girl is at her mama's house. There is no way I'll let her go with that guy! Then the baster got off of his bike, walked to my door and knocked.I calmly walked to the door and opened it. Eater look surprised and took a step back.

"Eater, you better be delivering a carton of beer. If not, then you better start running." and just like that the chase begain.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Rule Two:<em>**  
><strong><em>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.<em>**

Why? Why did my darling Maka had to like Eater? He was an evil little demon! I wouldn't be surprised if he grew horns. And here I am now, sitting at the table, eating dinner with saton's helper.

"So how long have you two been dating?" Kami asked.

"Oh it was abo..."

I tune out the rest. I really didn't want to know how long that baster was going behind my back, dating **my** daughter. How could my sweat Maka doooo... what was that octopus head doing? H-he's looking at Maka's chest! Not only that, but his hand was slowly moving to her! Not in this house.

I quickly grabed my fork and as hard as a could, stabbed the bun right next to Eater's moving hand. It shook the talbe a little, but my mission was accomplished. Eater's hand was back in his lap. But now every one's eyes were on me.

"Sorry" I grind and glared at Eater." I was hungry."

Maka and kami went back to talking, but Eater still eyed me. I looked him dead straight the eyes.

"_Eater"_ I stated mentally" _If you try that again, I **will **use the fork in my hand to nail your hand to the table."_ my eye twitched after the thought.

He must have read my mind because all night long he kept his eyes above Maka's neck line.


	2. Rules 3 and 4

**Rule Three:**  
><strong>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.<strong>

**(_Spirit's pov)_**

I was in the kitchen, searching for the damn beer. I looked high and low in the fridge, but I still couldn't find it.

"Where the hell is it?" I asked myself, pushing the milk to the side.

"BUBBAING!"

"What the fuck?" I question, steping back and holding my hands up to protect me. It sounded like it came from the-the...freeezer? I placed a hand down and use the other to reach for the door to the freezer. I got to see what on earth made that sound. When it was fully opened, I saw the most horrid sight. I droped to my knees.

"No,...Why? Why did this have to happen to my beer!" I cried, asking the ceiling. My poor beer was lying in shatters, the whole freezer was a mess. Liquid droped from the roof of the freezer like blood and the glass was like severed limbs. All the carnage! How could anyone not cry after seeing that? And soon I'll have to clean it up! That's like adding insult to injury.

"_Ding dong" _the door bell called.

"Aaagg" I moaned. Why can't people let me mourn in peace? I pushed the freezer door closed and slowly made my way to the front door.

"What the fuck?" I questioned after opening the door.

"Yea, nice to see you too." Eater said sarcastically and pushed his way into my house.

"Maka, are you ready?" he shouted.

"H-hold on! Give me a minute." she yelled back from her room.

I wasn't surprised to see him here. But I can't say the same for his clothes.

"What the hell are you wearing?"

Eater turned his head towards me and shrugged.

"Shirt, pants, it kinda helps from runing around nakid." he replied.

"You could have fooled me! Ever heard of a belt kid?" I said, pionting at him accusingly.

"Puff, I don't need one. Unlike you, I don't lose my pants ever time I see a pretty girl." he snapped back.

Son of a bitch! How dare he comes to my house, acted like this to my face, and demands Maka! Also his clothes, how can he come here in a muscle T shirt and oversized jeans? Seriously, his pants are ten sizes too big! It could easly flash any...one.

My eyes widen and I ran like the wind to the box room and came back holding my electric nail gun in my right hand.

"Eater, stay still." I stated calmly.

The puck's eyes widen and he raced towareds the hallway. I ran after him and saw him jumping into Maka's room. You can hind in there Eater! I pushed the door open.

"MAKA CHOP!"

And then everything went black. Oh, look at the pretty stars. They're so lovely.

* * *

><p><strong>Rule Four:<strong>  
><strong>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<strong>

I was walking down the steet, searching for my sweet Maka. I had the phantom of the opera tickets in my hand. I knew Maka wanted to go there for a while and I was going surprise her with them, but I couldn't find her. I've been looking around for half and hour. Right now I'm standing next to a cafe. I looked inside but Maka wasn't there. But then I spotted 2 of Maka's friends walking by.

I recinesed the tall beauty as Tsubaki. As for the midget, I think his name started with a B?

"Excuse me miss" I called out, and walked infront of her "Do you know where Maka is?"

"Y-yes, s-"

"She's at the library. she side something about research." the little bastard interjected. Hey maybe that's his name, little bastard.

"Thanks" I said before heading off.

It took me 5 minutes, but I reached the place. I walked in the building and found Maka sitting at a table reading a book, there were other books as well next to her. I smiled. She looks so cute.I walked over and sat in the chair next to her.

"Hi Maka-chan, what are you reading?" I asked.

I looked at the title before she answered. The joy of pregnancy? Why was she reading that?

"Papa, what are you doing here?" she asked.

I ignored she and grabed the other books near her. I scanned each title. How fast the baby will grow, how your body will change during pregnancy, breast feeding? What the hell? The only reason why Maka would read this is, if she was-was...

"Pregnant" I said frozen.

"Papa, it's not what you think!"Maka shook she head, eyes widen" It's-"

"Hey Maka I got that book you wanted." Eater said coming around the corner.

That-That-

"YOU BASTARD! HOW DEAR YOU!" I attacked him. I held my arm around his neck, trying to choke him to death.

"MAKA CHOP!"

I let go of my hold and fell to the ground.

"Stupid papa, it's home work for health class." was the last thing I heard before everything turned black.

Hey, it's the pretty stars again. Hi pretty stars.


End file.
